Tuesday, August 21, 2007
penning random thoughts.
isnt feelings such a weird thing?
many times we base our decisions on feelings,
not rationale.
especially relationships.
at times, when we know it's best to choose another path,
we choose to go headstrong on this path,
because we "feel like it".
i've gotten myself into craps many times,
because of feelings.
allowed myself to be hurt, because i chose to let emotions rule me.
gotten into trouble like breaking the 19-rule, because my feelings tell me to follow it.
quarreled with my parents, because i just dont "feel like being nice".
and the list goes on.
but ultimately the point i'm trying to drive here is about boy-girl feelings.
many people avoid this topic because well, it's like a taboo sort of thing.
sometimes, as a teenager, we just want security.
it's not just about knowing someone is there,
it's about wanting a physical being who is available exclusively for you.
yeah, people tell you that it's a void that only Christ can fill.
i do NOT deny that.
but we musn't deny the fact that the longing for companionship doesnt just go away after listening to a powerful sermon on how only Christ can fill that void.
so we begin to keep our eyes open, let our necks stretch out, in hope that a good guy will pass by.
one who is interested in your life.
and when he shows interest, we forget what loneliness is all about, we forget our names, we forget everything.
things go on fine and well, until we realise that hey, am i settling for less?
so once again, the search begins, and voila, another comes along.
it's just a vicious cycle, and for a good long time,
we forget how loneliness actually feels like.
so much so that when we're left all alone again,
it feels even worst than before.
it's when all these happen that we begin to FEAR loneliness.
so should we begin questioning ourselves?
are we looking for such stuff to avoid the feeling of loneliness?
for me,
i can honestly say it has happened.
there was a point in time whereby i dreaded loneliness.
the feeling sucks,
cos you really want someone to be there to share your joy, to cry with you, to let you vent your anger.
but i know i'm not being fair.
i'm selfish to feel that way.
unfair towards the guy,
unfair towards my future-husband.
and so,
i've since learnt to guard my heart.
yes, i rave about guys every now and then.
but i'm not serious about it, cos essentially, i dont feel for them.
having said that, i am aware that if i dont curb those ravings in time,
i'll develop feelings.
so i try not to overdo it.
i will continue to be a good guard to my heart.
sometimes it's so easy to be ruled by emotions.
but i'm learning.
it's never easy,
but i know i can do it,
cos i have a BIG God.
and i'm not gonna settle for less.
never.
dont ask me why i talked about such stuff.
just had the urge to.
it's good to bare my feelings at times,
to be completely honest in front of man.
and having said all that i did,
i ultimately recognise that,
of course,
that feeling of emptiness cannot be filled by love i seek here,
no matter how hard i try.
and i hope others will see it too.
but remember,
craving for companionship itself is not wrong.
it's how you handle your feelings that matter.
my final point?
feelings aren't bad.
but being ruled by emotions is.
look at Jesus.
if 2000 years ago He decided to make decisions based on feelings,
He would NEVER have gone to the cross.
so there.
random pictures taken today.
didnt put up some,
cos i dont wanna get into trouble.
i'm good in art right!
haha.
that is mian bao chao ren.
it's on geok's hand.
julian: eh come listen to piano. hall. haha
julian: me luh duh. haha and tim.
julian: .. i always could. haha. too bad someone's hogging the piano.
julian: haha thanks HAHA you didn't knw i could play it meh
julian: Omg. come piano lt4 i play for you.AWWWWW.
he played canon in d, by the way.
CLARABEL and RYAN chua.
i love them. LOADS. (:
gp time.
8:17 PM
